Ceci n'est pas une fille

I thought I'd see if anyone's still on this thing.

Are you there, my beauties? It's me, exquisite corpse.

Love him or hate him, guess who I'm going to see on Sunday night!



Well, "see" is a relative term, we have restricted view seats. But still! Rufus, you old whore, it's about time.

We had a sun-drenched, gorgeous, lazy Easter weekend. On Friday we ventured outside of town to Cuckmere Valley, near the fabled white cliffs called the Seven Sisters, a site of many accidental dog deaths, and not so accidental human deaths. We climbed to the first cliff and I sauntered near the unguarded edge, to feel the thrill of impossible height. Seriously though, beholding a site as breathtaking as these, who in despair wouldn't want to meet their end here?


Those who choose to end it all in places of sublime natural beauty may be accused of uncalled-for melodrama. But maybe these places are popular for those seeking to remove themselves from this mortal coil because their grandeur makes one feel small? You stand atop a blinding white cliff, with the glimmering vastness of the ocean crashing hundreds of meters below, and perhaps you realize that it's all ok - because you are nothing more than a speck of dust...


(the tiny figure is D.)

Ahem... sorry for the morbid musings. Poetic sights always carry for me some measure of melancholy.


Cuckmere Valley is also one of the places where Germans were expected to make landfall, hence the occasional World War 2 bunker and tank tire barricades stuck in an otherwise idyllic landscape.

Anyway... The rest of the long weekend was spent on idle pursuits and eating out way too much, concluding tragically last night with possibly the most disgusting Chinese take away known to man. How is it possible to fuck up simple lemon chicken?

Also, how would you like to Watch my basil grow very fast?

D. went to Barcelona for the weekend for a work jolly, which marks the first few days we've been apart in close to a year.

I, meanwhile, went off to the pub with my new coworkers last night, had a gorgeous time, got silly drunk, came home, passed out for a few hours, woke up at 4am... and now can sleep no more.

Yes, it's one of those things I've come to realize: I can't sleep without him now.

I even put his dirty tshirt over a pillow.

Two weeks into the new job and needless to say, I'm already massively more happy. I may be bottom of the design food chain at the moment (doing enhancements to existing sites, etc) but doing everything I can to be noticed. People are nice. They work hard but try to have fun. We're right in the middle of Brighton, so folks pop out during the day to grab coffee from the local Costa. Or they go off to the kitchen to play foosball or darts. People work from home when they need to. Even the project managers are nice, if stressed. I honestly have yet to meet an asshole here - it's too small of a company for them to thrive.

It's wondrous what a non-crap job has already done for my stress levels. I'm already nicer to D. I have more time in the morning now, so I go to the gym. Even our sex life is better (sorry, tmi).

I don't want to jinx it, as I know it'll get more stressful as more things get piled on me. But work is all about the right environment, isn't it, and that's proving to be lovely.

...

Still, I missed Jess' wedding this week, a source of considerable misery. I do wish I could have seen her on that special day. Distance is a blessing and a curse.

- The new Arcade Fire album
- more Antony and the Johnsons
- Amy Winehouse
- lots and lots of old Bowie
- lots and lots of old Blondie


I have a dilema. We bought tickets to see Air in London on the 17th - but I just found out Arcade Fire is playing on the 17th as well! The show is sold out, but I could still get tickets on ebay for a surprisingly accessible price.

Boy oh boy, do I have problems or what.

How is it that with age, all your dreams come true - but so do the cliches?

The one in question here is: "life is a series of compromises"

I'm very happy here. It's been a bumpy ride, but ultimately, I am content and fulfilled. I can't remember the last time I cried, the way I used to cry, for no reason.

But I cried tonight, because I can't go to Jessica's wedding - because I'm starting a new job. So where is the compromise? Had I not taken this job, I'd still be festering, abused, in my old one. Had I stayed in my old one, I'd have the vacation and free tickets to go to her wedding. Selfishness and self-preservation won.

Jess and her boyfriend... husband... Chuck have been my friends for so many years that I've lost count. I met Jess when she was 14 and I 16, for fuck's sake. We were gloom cookies, then struggling post-adolescents, then reluctant adults. There were times when I was a god awful friend to her. There was a year during which we didn't speak, as we both fell apart in our own ways. Then Chuck came along and somehow, he remade us as friends. He's one of those bastards that gets along with everyone.

Tonight it just hit me like a ton of bricks that I won't be there in 3 weeks and my heart seized up with the sadness of it.

I love you guys so much.

Ahhh... You know, I love to be reminded of why I'm leaving this god-forsaken job.

I was asked this morning to attend a meeting with some colleagues in the sales department. I went gladly, it was about a new online marketing promotion we're considering. The meeting lasted about2 hours. Meanwhile, the Asshole Boss was in a meeting and when he came out and found me gone, he had the secretary call me and then sent me a nasty email (he never says these things face to face) about how I should have told him I was gone and blah blah.

What am I, a 6 year old?

Fuck off. 3 more weeks. Good bye.

Ahhh... a girl's night in. While D. is in London at some film maker's shinding, I'm home drinking the rest of our Belgian beer and baking fabulous Nutella cheesecakse brownies for V-day.

I resigned yesterday. It went surprisingly smoothly, though my boss (Mr. Bipolar) has a whole month to change the way he feels about my imminent departure. Out of his team of 4, I'm the second one to leave in less than four months, which puts him in serious shit with the director. His procrastinating, sloppy manner means he won't recruit anyone for ages and may well get sacked himself before that.

Meanwhile, in classic Alex fashion, I remain apprehensive about the whole situation, fretting over what's to come instead of rejoicing over a glorious new opportunity. Oh, to rest on my laurels, albeit briefly.

Hmm... what else to say? I've had the strangest sensation lately that I'm older than I actually am. When I think about my age, randomly, I mistakenly think I'm 28. What the hell? I've certainly felt older lately, all settled down and housewifey. I've been enjoying this stability but part of me twitches with remnants of youthful restlessness, that old wanderlust...

Hey, anyone wanna go to Mexico?

Guess who's got a job?

In Brighton?

As a web designer?

Here's a hint.

She wrote this post.

She's really happy and still can't really believe it.

Woot!

Oh, and it snowed again today.

Woot!

Well, since last weekend I have felt like death. Deep chesty cold AND the monthly malady all rolled into one. Not to be disgusting, but it would seem that the constant coughing is making me bleed more than usual - is that even medically possible?

This evening is the first time I've felt better in 3 days. Might have something to do with intense consumption of Innocent super food smoothies and hibiscus tea. I still sound like Tom Waits' female cousin though.

Anyway, this has given me time to lay about and dig up old films on Google Video - so many fantastic classics are out of copyright and freely available. I watched Eisenstein's "Ivan the Terrible" last night, a bit of D.W. Girffith's "Birth of a Nation" tonight. I've got "His Girl Friday" and "Citizen Kane" downloading tonight. Woot! Hooray for copyright expiration laws.

In short, Brussels was gorgeous food and gorgeouser architecture. And ooh, the beer.

Pain Perdu at La Belle Maraichere:


Maison Cyr, in what is now the EU Quarter:


By the way, if you go to the Museum Rene Magritte in the Jette quarter, I recommend a seriously detailed map (from their website for example). We wandered for an hour in the freezing weather trying to find the place amidst regular residential streets. The locals' response to our inquiries about the place? "Oooh euhh... C’est une bonne question".

We're off to Brussels on Eurostar tomorrow, but before I wanted to post more snow pictures.

Brighton's snow disappeared that same evening, as if it had never happened. But my work town saw a gorgeous downpour big fat juicy flakes this morning as I walked slowly to work, revelling in the fresh cover of white.



( more snow )


I don't think I'll ever forget yesterday morning. Sadly, D couldn't be bothered to join in, simply sleeping through it.

Quote of the day:

"There are moments when one feels free from one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies. At such moments one imagines that one stands on some spot of a small planet, gazing in amazement at the cold yet profoundly moving beauty of the eternal, the unfathomable; life and death flow into one, and there is neither evolution nor destiny; only Being." - Albert Einstein

I swear I felt that this morning. 7AM, view from my bedroom

RAIN RAIN RAIN
WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN WIND RAIN WIND WIND WIND WIND WIND RAIN RAIN WIND RAIN.

Oh yeah, some people dead too.

Yippie!

Oh yeah, resolutions. Why the hell not.

- Stop being scruffy/mousy. You live with a nice man and like going out with him. So jazz it up a bit. Find a look. And remember you're not as shy as you tell yourself.
- Gym. 3 times a week is a moderate goal. I did well in December, just gotta keep it up.
- Don't whine about not having money. You can afford a lovely flat and the occassional night out, so relax. Save everything you can. No, you don't need to spend £3 on soap.
- Start thinking about your parents in 10 years. Start planning accordingly.
- New job. Move forward with no fear of rejection.

Happy 2007. Stop whining.

Brighton beach, New Year's Day:


Wind obviously never made it through hairdressing school

Nstural history museum in London yesterday. Amazing building, a cathedral of science, lots of Victorian taxidermy goodness but far too many screaming kids. I loved the exhibit on evolution. I wondered what first made ancient human types bury their dead. D had a simple explanation: they smelled.


Mr. Moose Skeleton and his flock of flying dolphins


Main hall



( more below )

Merry belated Christmas-type-thing, hope everyone had a good one.

And if you're bored, go inflict abuse on Floppy Bush

Meme stolen from rockpaperpixels:

That meme where you paste the first sentence from every first post of each month, to reveal some mystical message about your personal 2006:

JANUARY - Happy New Year. We're back.
FEBRUARY - I'm unsettled by the new round of Muslim protests in Europe.
MARCH - Last weekend, urged forth by tequila, queso and mole sauce, Jethica and I naturally gravitaded towards one of thos terrifying roadside carnivals.
APRIL - I spoke to my boss today about my intention to leave.
MAY - *sigh* Good bye Corolla.
JUNE - I had a bit of a surreal morning.
JULY - I'm tired tired tired tired.
AUGUST - Our trip to Wales this weekend for a friend's wedding was fantabulous.
SEPTEMBER - My mouse is slick with bacon grease.
OCTOBER - OMG ON A STICK!
NOVEMBER - I might as well admit, this is a stressful time.
DECEMBER - Oh God.

I think September is my favourite. It's strange to say this, but despite the Big Move this has been a fairly dull year - well, the dullest since 2004 anyway. But lest we forget, it's exactly what I asked for.